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Indlæser... He's Come Undoneaf Theresa Weir
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HE'S COME UNDONEPenniless and behind on rent, college student and once famous child actress Ellie Barlow takes on the role of a lifetime when she's hired by a group of young women to break the heart of the campus player who cruelly dumped them. Transformed from slob slacker to jaw-dropping beauty, Ellie is dressed, styled, bleached and waxed, her chunky glasses exchanged for violet contacts. Along with physical prepping, she's coached on Julian's obsessions, which include long-distance running, Doctor Who, and J.D. Salinger. In no time, Julian is in pursuit of his custom-made next victim, but when Ellie goes off script and begins to fall for her target the newest broken heart in this risky game could be her own. No library descriptions found. |
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**ARC provided via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review**
With that fascinating quote, I welcome you to the 25% mark of He's Come Undone by Theresa Weir.
Excuse me while I do the following:
Laugh uncontrollably
Stare in horror
And piss myself laughing some more
As someone who writes sporadically, I can assure you that writing something off the top of your head, without it making any sense, and coming across as trying TOO hard is normal.
What isn't normal is for that off-the-top-of-your-head mess to be published.
And He's Come Undone is a huge mess.
There is the semblance of an interesting plot:
And when I say interesting, it's because it sounded unusual and, well, cool.
Was it? The opposite, in fact.
Ellie Barlow is poor, a discarded child actress and in need of money, fast. When she responds to an ad on Craigslist, the last thing she expected was to be hired to break a boy's heart -- a manwhore's, at that.
You see, Ellie is a speshul snowflake and a Mary Sue. She's not pretty, but all the men want her; she's not funny, but everyone laughs at her jokes and there is no way that hot, fit, drop-dead gorgeous Julian would fall in love with her.
Julian, on the other hand, is also a speshul snowflake, but x2.
He has a DEEP DARK UNSPEAKABLE PAST which, of course, we find out about in the first 30% of the book.
And oh, he sleeps with girls, uses them for sex, and he thinks it's okay because they made the first move, therefore he is not guilty of being a dirty, STD spreading rat.
Really, people? This is what's passing off as hot these days? Manwhoring boys that can't keep it in their pants, but it's okay because they're TROUBLED?
Let me emphasise this: you should never let a man take advantage of you, of using your precious love tunnel because he has a deep dark secret and he's irresistibly hot. Your self-worth is worth more than that, ladies. Don't let him plunder your art gallery just because he's hot. BAG A MAN WITH SUBSTANCE LADIES. COME ON!
His internal monologue is fascinatingly hilarious though:
No, Julian. Sweetie, WHAT IF SHE REALLY LIKED ORCHIDS?
How deep of you, Julian. Because doors, man.
I get that it's supposed to tie in with his past or whatever, but it was poorly executed. He just came off as weird. As someone I definitely would not be letting anywhere near my lady region.
You're an idiot, boy.
Basically, what Ellie needs to do is make him fall in love with her by spreading her pretty legs and doing the dirty.
But because she's a speshul snowflake, Julian falls in love with her.
They even say those words.
40% in.
Really?
And vice versa. So when their BIG BAD NAUGHTY PASTS come to light, shit hits the fan, people cry, there's sloppy sex invo--
Oh man, the sex scenes were HILARIOUS.
Here's a list of words you should avoid using if you're trying to write a raunchy, hot sex scene:
- slapping/sucking sounds
- grunt
- drove/drive (if you're talking about someone's mouth)
- piston
- huge penis
- impale
They turn even the most lust fuelled people off. Especially if they're coupled with the following:
Also SPARE US THE FREAKIN' INTERNAL MONOLOGUE.
I can't even begin to detail the things that were wrong with this book. The POV switched randomly from Ellie to Julian and once even to Julian's sister, Valerie. The all sounded the same, with no distinct personalities.
Every time a plot twist (that isn't a twist because they're immature, childish idiots who can't comprehend what the word 'responsibility' even means) they would come up with stupid, ridiculous excuses:
Ellie: IT'S ALL MY ROBBING MOTHER'S FAULT
Julian: WHAT DO YOU MEAN FUCKING AROUND ISN'T OKAY? THEY MADE THE MOVE FIRST!
Valerie: I'm obsessed with my brother and any girl that comes into visual distance of my brother will feel #MYSIBLINGWRATHHAYAAAA!
WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT.
They blame their stupid mistakes on things that happened in the past. If you're trying to be a responsible, mature adult, own up to the fact that Ellie, you had sex with Julian because some girls were willing to pay you 5k, Julian, you're a slutty man who loves the vajayjay and together, you're a big, horrible, disgusting mess that I want to bitch slap with a fish.
Okay?
Awesome.
Last thoughts: Someone said that this is "Weir at her best."
If this is Weir at her best, I don't want to see her at her worse.
#overandout
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