Marjorie Ingall
Forfatter af Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children
Værker af Marjorie Ingall
Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children (2016) 44 eksemplarer
Hungry 1 eksemplar
Associated Works
Here Lies My Heart: Essays on Why We Marry, Why We Don't, and What We Find There (A Beacon Anthology) (1999) — Bidragyder — 63 eksemplarer
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This book studies the practice of apologising from every conceivable angle. Everything is looked at - good and bad apologies, when they are needed and not and all manner of celebrity apologies including politicians, movie and music stars, sports icons etc. You get the picture. To me the book could have been consensed by at least one hundred pages. Maybe my situation is unusual but I can think of very few times I needed to apologize nor of times people needed to apologize to me. Focus might have been on thinking before you speak or write things to hurt people.… (mere)
Got this from PJ Library last year - every now and then they send one for parents - and finally got around to it. It was excellent! So funny and wise. (I'm not surprised the author is friends with Gayle Forman; they seem to have a similar sensibility.)
Quotes
"Each child carries their own blessings into the world," says the Yiddish proverb. Being a good parent means being flexible enough to see each child's individual blessings. (4)
Historical sources show that Jewish-style child-rearing is good not only for kids, but also for parents....Jewish parenting methods are responsible for the outsized success of the Jewish people. (8-9)
Kids need to learn independence. Studies have shown that encouraging kids' executive function (the ability to coordinate complex tasks and meet goals independently) early in life has great benefits down the road....It's our job as parents to relinquish control, bit by bit. Overprotective parenting is correlated with kids who are more likely to be depressed and bullied. (28)
Our anxiety has grown in inverse proportion to the danger our kids are in. (31) See: Free-Range Kids, Lenore Skenazy
Raising kids who are independent means raising kids who are curious about the wider world and eager to explore and see things from different perspectives. Judaism teaches us to stress the importance of asking questions rather than giving answers. (35)
Fostering children's independence means letting them learn through doing, which often means learning through mistakes. It means allowing some risk....Letting kids be independent sometimes means they will fail. (45)
What to say to people who disagree with your philosophy of instilling independence, and tell you so: "Thanks for your input, but this works for our family!" (46)
"Discipline" means both correcting misbehavior and conveying expectations for good behavior....It [also] means self-regulation, self-discipline, self-government. It isn't something impressed upon you by an authority figure; it's something that comes from within, something you tap into when trying to achieve a goal. (52)
Deborah Baumrind, three types of parenting styles: authoritative (warm but firm), authoritarian ("because I said so"), permissive. (53)
The easiest way to discipline your kid is to avoid situations where you have to bring out the heavy artillery (e.g. don't go grocery shopping when they're hungry). (58) Independence + Discipline = Successful Grown-Up (59)
In general, studies have found that trying to control kids' behavior - rather than helping them learn to control it themselves - short-circuits their ability to develop a sense of their own competence and autonomy. It destroys their motivation to do better for their own sake and turns being good into a performance for others, not a choice they make for their own moral development. (60)
....this attitude - question everything, do your own thinking, put forth an informed opinion, and be wiling to expect disagreement as well as be willing to engage with those who disagree - has been essential to Jews' success over the years. (Recommendation: The Story of the Jews by Simon Schama) (75)
....stories help us understand people better....there's a lot of overlap in the areas of the brain that interpret stories and the areas that assist us in interactions with other people. So stories increase kids' social savvy and empathy. (Citing research analysis from Raymond Mar at York University in Canada, 138)
Research shows that hearing stories aloud builds language skills that make learning to read on one's own easier and more pleasurable. Hearing a book over and over...helps kids gain comprehension, reinforces neural connections, and assists with memory, vocabulary, and sequencing. Being read to leads to greater interest in books, and greater interest in books leads to more school success and more creative thinking. (148)
Picture book rec: Brave Girl by Michelle Markel & Melissa Sweet (152)
We want to raise kids who can laugh at themselves, who are able to joke in the badkhan tradition of poking fun at those in positions of authority rather than tearing down those who are already prone to getting ripped apart. (174)
It's incumbent upon us to make sure our children are aware that others have less than we do, to urge nonselfishness and generosity, to model the behavior we want to see, and to communicate the value of a dollar. (185)
It's vital for kids to understand that health, friendship, hard work, joy, creativity, and good works are more important than things. Study after study correlates materialism with anxiety and depression; studies on even very little children show that being generous makes kids happy.. Giving to charity, spending on others, and thinking carefully about purchases can all mitigate the negative affects of growing up affluent. (189)
Being a person of faith means being an advocate for others, whether they are your traditions or not. (205)
Book rec: Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy by Emily Bazelon (214)
Harvard Making Caring Common Project (https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/): People who regularly express gratitude are more likely to be generous, compassionate, helpful, and forgiving. They're also more likely to be happy and healthy. (222)
What if we all made a conscious decision to kvell instead of kvetch? (223)… (mere)
Quotes
"Each child carries their own blessings into the world," says the Yiddish proverb. Being a good parent means being flexible enough to see each child's individual blessings. (4)
Historical sources show that Jewish-style child-rearing is good not only for kids, but also for parents....Jewish parenting methods are responsible for the outsized success of the Jewish people. (8-9)
Kids need to learn independence. Studies have shown that encouraging kids' executive function (the ability to coordinate complex tasks and meet goals independently) early in life has great benefits down the road....It's our job as parents to relinquish control, bit by bit. Overprotective parenting is correlated with kids who are more likely to be depressed and bullied. (28)
Our anxiety has grown in inverse proportion to the danger our kids are in. (31) See: Free-Range Kids, Lenore Skenazy
Raising kids who are independent means raising kids who are curious about the wider world and eager to explore and see things from different perspectives. Judaism teaches us to stress the importance of asking questions rather than giving answers. (35)
Fostering children's independence means letting them learn through doing, which often means learning through mistakes. It means allowing some risk....Letting kids be independent sometimes means they will fail. (45)
What to say to people who disagree with your philosophy of instilling independence, and tell you so: "Thanks for your input, but this works for our family!" (46)
"Discipline" means both correcting misbehavior and conveying expectations for good behavior....It [also] means self-regulation, self-discipline, self-government. It isn't something impressed upon you by an authority figure; it's something that comes from within, something you tap into when trying to achieve a goal. (52)
Deborah Baumrind, three types of parenting styles: authoritative (warm but firm), authoritarian ("because I said so"), permissive. (53)
The easiest way to discipline your kid is to avoid situations where you have to bring out the heavy artillery (e.g. don't go grocery shopping when they're hungry). (58) Independence + Discipline = Successful Grown-Up (59)
In general, studies have found that trying to control kids' behavior - rather than helping them learn to control it themselves - short-circuits their ability to develop a sense of their own competence and autonomy. It destroys their motivation to do better for their own sake and turns being good into a performance for others, not a choice they make for their own moral development. (60)
....this attitude - question everything, do your own thinking, put forth an informed opinion, and be wiling to expect disagreement as well as be willing to engage with those who disagree - has been essential to Jews' success over the years. (Recommendation: The Story of the Jews by Simon Schama) (75)
....stories help us understand people better....there's a lot of overlap in the areas of the brain that interpret stories and the areas that assist us in interactions with other people. So stories increase kids' social savvy and empathy. (Citing research analysis from Raymond Mar at York University in Canada, 138)
Research shows that hearing stories aloud builds language skills that make learning to read on one's own easier and more pleasurable. Hearing a book over and over...helps kids gain comprehension, reinforces neural connections, and assists with memory, vocabulary, and sequencing. Being read to leads to greater interest in books, and greater interest in books leads to more school success and more creative thinking. (148)
Picture book rec: Brave Girl by Michelle Markel & Melissa Sweet (152)
We want to raise kids who can laugh at themselves, who are able to joke in the badkhan tradition of poking fun at those in positions of authority rather than tearing down those who are already prone to getting ripped apart. (174)
It's incumbent upon us to make sure our children are aware that others have less than we do, to urge nonselfishness and generosity, to model the behavior we want to see, and to communicate the value of a dollar. (185)
It's vital for kids to understand that health, friendship, hard work, joy, creativity, and good works are more important than things. Study after study correlates materialism with anxiety and depression; studies on even very little children show that being generous makes kids happy.. Giving to charity, spending on others, and thinking carefully about purchases can all mitigate the negative affects of growing up affluent. (189)
Being a person of faith means being an advocate for others, whether they are your traditions or not. (205)
Book rec: Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy by Emily Bazelon (214)
Harvard Making Caring Common Project (https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/): People who regularly express gratitude are more likely to be generous, compassionate, helpful, and forgiving. They're also more likely to be happy and healthy. (222)
What if we all made a conscious decision to kvell instead of kvetch? (223)… (mere)
. Marjory Ingall does for Jewish parenting what Amy Chua, author of The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, did for Western parenting. Ignoring the stereotype of the hectoring, guilt driven Jewish mother, Ingall shares personal anecdotes, humor, historical texts, and scientific research that reveal Jewish secrets for raising self-sufficient, ethical, and accomplished children. Whether or not you consider yourself a “Jewish” mother, you will love Mamaleh’s wit, wisdom, and insight. In fact, Jewish mothers and their child-rearing values are actually responsible for Jews’ outsize success in a wide variety of fields, over multiple eras, and in all kinds of environments. This laugh-out-loud, warm-hearted book goes super well with a bowl of chicken soup. And, it just might make you a better parent.… (mere)
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Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy are the brains behind SorryWatch, a website dedicated to analysing apologies in the news, media, history and literature. They 'condemn the bad and exalt the good' and it's easy to spend an age on their website, browsing everything from sports apologies and political apologies, to bropologies and true crime apologies.
Together, Ingall and McCarthy have published Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies in an attempt to educate the reader on what constitutes a good apology and the pitfalls to avoid delivering a bad one.
Some highlights on the do's and don'ts of apologising include apologising without rehashing past insults, like: "I'm sorry I criticised your terrible new hairstyle".* Another pitfall to avoid was the 'sorry you', for example "well I'm sorry you keep forgetting our anniversary". Time was also spent on avoiding the 'if' and 'but' apology: "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way", or "I'm sorry, but I never meant to offend anyone".
Attempts like: "anyone who knows me knows I'm not a racist / homophobe / insert slur here" also indicate efforts to dodge responsibility or accountability for our actions. These always sound like weasel words to me, but now I have a clearer understanding of why they never sound like genuine apologies.
In Chapter 3 (Sorry If, Sorry But, Sorry You: Things Not to Say), I learned about performative utterances. A performative utterance is a statement where the words are the action, like "I insist" or "I promise" or "I swear". "I'm sorry" is a performative utterance and saying it feels like an admission of wrongdoing. This makes us feel uncomfortable and we often don't want to admit fault, especially if we don't believe we've done anything wrong. Just ask any 4yo. Another strategy is the sarcastic apology: "well sorry for not checking with you first, I guess nobody's perfect," is a passive aggressive apology.
I do believe public apologies have changed over the decades, with PR companies and spin doctors writing statements and apologies that address an incident, event, oversight or mistake while not directly admitting any fault. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry includes some interesting examples of bad apologies like this from CEOs, police officials and politicians. I listened to the audiobook, which meant I was unable to visually enjoy the apology bingo tables that frequently accompanied the text. Since finishing the book though, I'm recognising lame apologies all around me, with plenty of 'sorry if' and 'I regret' and 'it was never my intention' examples.
No doubt we've all delivered a range of apologies that have missed the mark ourselves. So, how do we do better?
Here's the SorryWatch approach:
1. Use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologise.”
2. Say specifically what you’re sorry for.
3. Show you understand why the thing you said or did was bad.
4. Be very careful if you want to provide explanation; don’t let it shade into excuse.
5. Explain the actions you’re taking to insure this won’t happen again.
6. Can you make reparations? Make reparations.
Sounds simple enough doesn't it? When the topic of the apology is emotive, or the insult very grave, it can be hard to take the six steps outlined above. Fortunately I wasn't reading Sorry, Sorry, Sorry - The Case for Good Apologies by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy in preparation for a huge apology in my own life, but we can all improve the interactions we have with people, and I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to do that.
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry - The Case for Good Apologies by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy was an informative read and met the requirement for the Non Fiction 2023 Reader Challenge prompt for relationships.
*All examples in this review are my own.… (mere)