family or feud?

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My husband is an alcoholic and altho he's trying, he occasionally goes on binges
My daughter hates him and does not want him at her house for family celebrations, nor will she come here if he's here.
He gets hurt and angry if I go without him but I want to be with my grandkids on holidays. It causes arguments and no one is happy so what to do? Sometimes I want to accede to my husbands desire to move south but I know my daughter would totally hate me for that. What is your personal opinion?

It seems to me that your two biggest concerns are how to make your husband happy and how to make your daughter happy. My feeling is that you need to ask how to make yourself happy. You have little or no control over those two, you have (in theory) complete control over yourself. Anyway, something like that, for starters. Start with yourself. eek

Well that is my conumdrum, you see, I want both! I want to live peacefully with my husband day by day, but I want to be with the grandkids on holidays. Ultimately the grandkids option wins out but then there's a big blowup at home later.

Do you have some kind of ongoing counseling with your husband? It seems like this would be necessary to help your husband understand your dilemma and to help you cope with it. Of course, if your daughter could have counseling that would help also, but since she is now an adult who does not live with you, that would be difficult to implement. Is it possible for you and your daughter to come to some kind of understanding (a) why she is so angry; and (b) how she can understand your situation?

Unfortunately, as carptrash (interesting name by the way) said, you only have control over yourself, so exploring how to secure your own happiness is first priority.

Sorry for your heartache,

k4k

Oh yes, I can relate. My best suggestion to you is to get yourself, and your daughter if she can be persuaded, into Al-Anon. The advice to determine what you most want and then do what YOU can to achieve it is exactly right. The message of Al-Anon will help you find your way to know what that is and to know about how to get there.

I might also suggest that you strive to move away from either-or thinking as in, either I am with my daughter and grandkids OR I keep peace with my husband. You may find a solution open up for you if you instead ponder, "How can I both be with my daughter and grandkids AND still keep peace with my husband?"

God's blessings!
Lois

thanks for that!