Don Waters

First of all, THESE BOYS AND THEIR FATHERS, is a damn good book. I was pretty much completely absorbed in Don Waters' very personal story of what it was like growing up fatherless in the 'mean streets' of Reno, Nevada. I would call this a 'magnum opus' kinda memoir, in that it not only tells you his story, but it takes you along on the trip, gives you an intimate peek into the 'process' of putting together a book that took more than a decade to finish, with many starts and stops along the way. Waters' book is more than a memoir. It also includes a meticulously researched mini-bio of another writer named Don Waters whose writing and other escapades spanned most of the 20th century, then also follows the thread of that other Don Waters' wife and daughter. That other family's story is itself filled with unexpected twists, turns and surprises. You can look the guy up, along with his book, GYPSY WATERS CRUISES SOUTH, which sounds pretty intriguing in itself. And you'd think long digressions like this might detract from Don's own story, but nope, at least for me, it doesn't. I found it all quite fascinating.

But of course the real story here is the author's own, and it is equally fascinating. Waters' father, a one-time California surfer, abandoned him before he was three. His mother got a divorce, and the father pretty much disappeared from their lives, and his mother refused to talk about him. But Don Waters always wondered about his father. He found other father figure substitutes in his friends' fathers, in coaches, scout leaders, etc. But he wanted to know more about his own father, who we met for the first time when he was 19, and then a handful of times after that. But he spent years trying to come to terms with his fatherless state. Years in therapy too, trying to work out his anger issues. I found it most interesting that he shared the progress of his ongoing memoir with his therapist over the years, and, when he felt, finally, that it was a hopeless and thankless task, and said, "Doesn't the time come when you're just who you are, and you shouldn't dwell? I mean, who gives a s**t?" To which his therapist responds -

"Other people may not admit it, but don't you think everyone thinks about these same things all the time? Your relationship with your family. Your relationship with your parents. How you were cared for, how you were formed, and how they shaped you … You're not alone in these feelings, Don."

Exactly! Because his therapist is right. We all DO think about such things. And one doesn't have to be fatherless to wonder about how it all fits together, how we became who we are. And Don Waters, in this long meandering search for his father - and for himself, and who he is - speaks for so many of us. THAT'S why I liked this book so much, why I could relate. Because, yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about my dad, who's been gone for over thirty years now, but there are still so many things I wish I'd asked him, and now it's too late. So yeah, thanks, Don, for writing all this stuff down. It MATTERS, dammit!

Another element here that I enjoyed is Waters' honesty about the life he has chosen, to be a writer. Take this, for instance -

"Too often I have trouble rationalizing the path I've set out on. Pursuing 'the writing life' often seems a grim project in self-deception. Sure, I've published a book of stories. Sure, other stories appear in respectable literary journals, but I've never come close to earning a sustainable living, and sometimes, late at night, I lie in bed, trying to calm a rising panic that squeezes my lungs and makes it difficult to breathe. Many writers suffer the same anxiety. Several writers I know - talented, beautiful writers - stopped writing altogether to give themselves stability and peace of mind."

Again, this is drop-dead honesty about what he's doing, not only with this book, but with his life. And there is so much ELSE going on here - his relationship with this mother, a hard-working woman who made some poor choices in men, but always made her son her number one priority and supported him in whatever he did. And his up and down relationship with Robin, his partner, and their often discouraging efforts to have a child of their own. Because Don wanted to be a father, wanted to prove he could be a much better father than his own father ever was.

Again, so MUCH stuff going on here, so much MORE than you find in most memoirs. There's even a fictionalized look at his father's life as a mining engineer at the nuclear waste disposal site at Yucca Mountain, that is pretty damn believable, and makes me want to read some of Waters' fiction - and I hope to.

I was reminded of a couple other writers' memoirs while reading Waters' book - John McNally's THE PROMISE OF FAILURE: ONE WRITER'S PERSPECTIVE ON NOT SUCCEEDING; and Harrison Scott Key's hilarious CONGRATULATIONS, WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? But Don Waters' book has its own unique style - digressive, you might call it, which, in my book, is a good thing (I mean, consider this review, which, like Don's book, is all over the place). I greatly enjoyed this book about fathers and sons, surfers and writers. It's a brave book. Thanks for telling it, Don. I know it wasn't easy. I will recommend it highly.

- Tim Bazzett, author of the memoir, BOOKLOVER… (mere)