Ph.D. Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.

My goal: find a good book about communication in relationships. There are endless books about communication and endless books about relationship, and most of them are written for an audience whose standard reading fare is magazine articles. I chose Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee because it was both relatively well rated and available at my library. My rating: 2/5

Why Can’t You Read my Mind? may be good for what it is, but what it is is not what I am looking for. It has some good tips, but this is more than countered by the authors’ barely implicit assumption that the only people reading this book are those on the brink of ending their relationship. Those of us who just want to learn concrete techniques for strengthening communication in our most important relationship are left feeling like we walked into someplace we don’t belong.

If you can get past the fact that this book is written for magazine reading divorce candidates, it does provide a good number of concrete tips for improving communication in relationships.… (mere)

This book uses the principles of cognitive therapy to help you turn off your "toxic thinking". The author proposes that if you thought your way out of love than you can think your way back in. Like most of the relationship books I have read the solution starts with you. You cannot change your partner, only yourself. You have to accept your responsibility for the problems and you are the only one who can fix them. You can't expect your partner to make you happy by being able to "read your mind". If you can't accept your part then the book won't work. If you are willing to take responsibility then there is a lot of helpful ideas in it even though most seem to be common sense. I found the fighting fair section especially helpful. If you are in a mentally or physically abuse relationship then this book is not going to fix anything. The book requires a lot of effort and conscience work to stop the cycle of "toxic thinking". The book would probably be the most helpful if both partners are willing to read it but it is still worthwhile to read even if only one person wants to change.… (mere)